1. Certain words I don’t like saying or hearing…kumquat, nougat nectar, plop, areola, yogurt, broth, perforation, insertion…gawh

2. I get extremely irritated when people do not pronounce words the way I think they should be pronounced…pecan is pronounced pah-cawn…NOT pee-can….it’s prah-leen…NOT pray-leen…coo-pawn…NOT Q-pawn…and for fucks sake, it’s cair-ah-mel…NOT fucking car-muhl…say it right damn it!

3. I feel a wave fo anxiety whenever I see a school bus or kids waiting at the bus stop…it reminds me of school when I was little and how much I hated it

4. The smell of coconut or suntan lotion offends me like no other.

5. I’m paranoid that someone will leave to go to work, the store, wherever and that will be the last time I will ever see them alive….So I have to tell them to “Be careful” before they leave, because if I tell them to “Be careful” then nothing bad will happen to them and I will see them again. So when I tell you to “Be careful”…know that I’m saying “I love you” too.

I won this sweet ass giant pony that talks and everything at Dave & Busters…and then I walked past all the little kids with crappier prizes to make them jealous.

1. “decorative” toilet brush holders

2. corporate speak….”fastrack”…”grow the business”…”happy Friday”…”blocker”…”hot action item” “forward-thinking”

3. matching bathroom sets…toothbrush holder, cup, trash can

4. geese or duck statues that are dressed according to the holidays

5. wood paneling

6. people who are ALWAYS cold

7. the non-word “sammich”

8. the sound a nail clipper makes…gag

9. brake tappers

10. “girl’s night”

11. jazz

12. Kenny Chesney

13. fake tan

14. coconut

15. suntan oil

16. cat breath

17. skid marks and hangerons in a public restroom

18. mojito

19. couples who call each other “babe”

20. broadway shows

21. fanny packs

22. “play that funky music white boy” by wild cherry

23. romantic comedies

24. jazz hands

25. seashells as bathroom décor

26. the color mauve

27. tube tops

28. goatees

29. tribal tattoos

30. the overly confident sub-average looking girl…she usually works at a bank or a leasing office and frequently has “girl’s night out” with her other average looking girlfriends at a cheesy dance club and drinks mojitos

31. the country guy who calls in to radio shows that feels the need to express how funny he thought the last bit was

32. the girl that calls in to the Lex & Terry radio show and wants to say (unsolicited) the word “panties” that she’s rehearsed repeatedly before calling in, in hopes to be told she sounds hot saying it

33. flip flops

34. crystal light

35. Natalie and Ryan on Big Brother 9

36. the assumption that typing in all caps somehow means you’ve raised your voice

37. that green m&m and her hooker boots

38. bad breath

39. Capri pants

40. confederate flags…anywhere

41. hummers…(the vehicle)

42. frappuccinos

43. flats (dress shoes)

44. wind chimes

45. people who pronounce praline, caramel, pecan and coupon as: “pray-leen” “cahr-muhl” “pee-can” “q-pawn”

46. lounge shirts for men

47. men’s cologne

48. sour candy

49. thongs

50. cheap wall décor (metal candle holding wall sconces from target and the like…I actually have one of these…and it pisses me off)

51. white wicker anything

52. outdoor holiday flag banners

53. Thomas Kinkade

54. Apple/Mac stickers on cars

55. Bluetooth users…go fuck yourself

56. smoothies

57. restaurants that feature tits and ass as wait staff

58. coyote ugly…movie and establishments

59. thrift store “fashion”

60. sun tanning

61. gold chains

62. acoustic “rock”

63. sorority and fraternity crap

64. self-aggrandizing shirts that say “drama queen” “princess” “rockstar” “player” etc etc

65. workout or sleep pants that have something retarded across the ass such as “cutie” “hottie” “go bulls” etc etc

66. people who have to add “baby” after shit when you ask them a simple geography question…Q-Where did you go on vacation? A-Vegas, Baby!….Q-Where are you from? A-Los Angeles, Baby!

67. line dancing

68. guys who wear white athletic shoes…when they are not working out

69. valentine’s day

70. themed Christmas trees

71. karaoke

72. outdoor festivals

73. earth day

74. dream catchers

75. French pedicures…gag

76. grapefruit

77. times new roman font

78. brass home fixtures

79. power bars

80. marathons

81. tailgating

82. sporting events

83. those hummer limos…..sooooo gay

84. dog parks

85. new year’s eve

86. new country music

87. really pointy toe shoes

88. faux animal print anything

89. office parties (pizza, holiday, donut meetings etc etc)

90. high fives

91. young families…mom dad around 26—36 with 2-3 kids all under the age of 7…shopping in Whole Foods or Central Market for their organic diets

92. Kid Chow…a children’s lunch delivery service for rich assholes

93. new homes with “mud rooms”

94. emo and screamo…not really sure there’s a difference here

95. people who fart in the grocery store aisle and act like they don’t smell anything

96. corporate world pleasantries…”thanks for sending over those yummy goodies…we just want to knock off early and stuff ourselves with treats” gag!

97. people who use the words treats and goodies

98. convertibles

99. feng shui

100. those big redneck trucks with the big tires

101.Microsoft everything

102.the word…pasta

103.Angelina jolie

104.gynochologists, proctologists and podiatrists…there is just something wrong with these people

105. faux leather…like payless shoes

106. groupies

107. precocious children

108. 7-8 year olds

109. child beauty pageants and the parents

110. mary kay sales people

111. rich people in general

112. people who call shots…shooters

113. people who think tom cruise is hot

114. people who own every season of friends on dvd

115. Amy Winehouse

116. Fans of Amy Winehouse…”oh she’s just so talented!”…really???…I mean really???????

117. kiosk salespeople

118. carnival patrons

119. giant baby strollers and the parents

120. “my bad”

121. “hunks”…big beefy guys that are exotic dancers or used in calendars

122. the women who find “hunks” attractive

123. magical fairytale weddings

124. celebrity news and worship

125. greeting card humor

126. the word “gentle”…it just sounds dirty

127. Willow from Buffy…blech

128. the “cool” hot chick…you know the ones that are so cool they fart, burp, pick their nose…you’re not cool…you’re a pig

129. the guys that find the “cool” hot chick, cool and hot

130. road rage…really…what’s the point

131. couple’s who share myspace pages or have their own web site

132. a couple’s shower….apparently now men aren’t spared the obligatory suck of wedding and baby showers…poor bastards

133. dots…those cheap m&m knockoffs that your school cafeteria would try to pass off as real m&ms

134. white eyeshadow

135. any contestant that cries on the bachelor

136. slutty Halloween costumes…such as “stripper strawberry shortcake” “hooker Dorothy” “hooker Alice in Wonderland” etc etc

137. barbwire tattoo arm bands

138. necklaces that feature some sort of animal tooth

139. jewelry that has feathers

140. turquoise

141. southwest décor…ick (howling coyotes, dream catchers, Georgia o’keefe)

142. the campbell soup kids

143. Comic Strips (Garfield, The Family Circus, Hi & Lois, Sally Forth, Kathy)

144. cheap Halloween candy (Bingo, Now & Later, Smarties)

145. people singing “Happy Birthday”, especially in a restaurant by the wait staff

146. wait staff that don’t leave you the fuck alone….”can I start you off with some appetizers?” …”would you like some more water?…how about some more water?….would you like some more water?…how is everything?….more water? Did you save room for dessert?…coffee, tea?…how about some more water?”

147. wait staff that never leave you the fuck alone during the meal however fall off the face of the earth when you want the fucking check

148. people in cars that pause for you to cross the street…HEY…good Samaritan!…you can drive faster than I can fucking walk so just fucking go instead of making me feel like I have to fucking rush to get out of your god damn way!

149. Lucky Charms…those fucking marshmallows are your only saving grace

150. those wood puzzles for young children that should come with an advisory that if your fucking kid cant figure out where the 3 fucking blocks go they should be removed from the gene pool now

151. “I’m 99.9% sure”

152. mechanical pencils

153. papa john’s pizza

154. the “punk rock girl” in the dead milkmen’s punk rock girl video….ugly bitch

155. myspace glitter tag comments with “sexy” cartoon chicks

156. Brunch

157. really big, heavily ornate carved wood furniture

158. moon, star, sun anything

159. getting in the car when it’s a super hot day

160. getting in someone else’s car on a super hot day and they immediately close all the doors and dilly dally around before turning on the AC

170. when you make a statement “I’m hot”…and they immediately say…”It’s not hot in here”….mother fucker…I’M hot!

171. businesses with “clever” names…Hair salon: A Cut Above; Sheer Designs; Headlines; The Crop Shop; Laundromat: This Sud’s For You; Candle Store: Wicks and Sticks: Eye glass store: Accessor-Eyes

172. Candle Stores

173. Incense

174. candles shaped like anything, especially wizards and dragons

175. gothic jewelry

176. pewter figurines

177. lawn ornaments…gnomes, little stone children fishing, etc etc

178. water parks

179. “dancin’ shoes”

180. boogie

181. carrot cake…gag

182. when people say a dessert is “too rich”….fuck off you know it’s good

184. magicians

185. female radio DJs

186. female comedians…we get it…ALL men are pigs and not as smart as women and ALL women will kill for chocolate and shoes

187. text messaging…..GAY!

188. tshirts with cats on them

189. stirrup pants

190. the email I just got from Old Navy stating “Jellies are back!”

191. Jellies

192. Women who wear Jellies

193. Stupid names for kids….Madison, Apple, Shiloh, Chadwick, Chamberlin, Tanner, Wimberly, Timber, Gayden, Talon, Cheyenne, Kennedy, Montana, Ember, Britton, Canton, etc etc

194. the new wave of no smoking in BARS…what the fuck?!?!?!?!?!

195. new parents that go into lengthy speeches of how fulfilling and meaningful their lives are now that they’re parents…and ONLY if you’ve experienced the true blessing of a child could you ever fathom what “real love” is….go fuck yourself

196. guys who still wear ponytails….it only worked for The Highlander

197. small paperclips

198. white people who bring their own “environment friendly” cloth shopping bags…go fuck yourself

….a work in progress….